All over Bengali-verse, every Jamai Shashti fathers in law, in their photua and pajama go out early to buy the reyaji mutton, the mothers in law don their best laal paar sarees and ready the humongous, shiny kanshaar thaala for the all important Bong lunch.
So we, being the bachelors we are, felt tremendously jealous of this VIP treatment that our married (and henpecked) brethren drown under on this day. Hence, we went into a minor investigation of sorts – we created profiles on a few matrimony apps (against all our better judgement). Our endeavour was only this – WHAT DO BENGALI PARENTS LOOK FOR IN A GROOM FOR THEIR LOVELY DAUGHTERS.
What follows now is our learning after a fortnight of “INVESTIGATIVE” (and sometimes just plain curious and Facebook like robotic) scrolling through a ton of profiles. A few minor disclaimers first – none of this was done with any malice or intentions of ridiculing genuinely nice people. It was done in good humor and a bit of curiosity to help our unmarried Bong bhodro lok (including all the single men on team BONGFeed) to hone his skills at landing the perfect life partner.
THE FRIEND NOT JUST HUSBAND
Probably the most commonly used word that prospective shoshur moshai’s use when describing their favorite jamai is this – A FRIEND. It’s exciting and at the same time mildly scary that most Bengali parents are so far ahead of the rest of this country’s parents that they have understood that looking for a plain husband is futile. Wonder why these beautiful Bong girls couldn’t bag a “FRIEND” during all these years when so many guys wanted to have “FRAANDSHIP” with them on Facebook! AMRA KI MORE GECHILAM?
THE SIMPLE, DOWN TO EARTH, HUMBLE FELLOW
Coming in at a close second is the simple Bong jamai. After flipping through 1000+ profiles, it’s apparent that LOW LIVING AND HIGH THINKING is a truly desirable trait among Bengali families. But what is not clear is this – the definition of simplicity that is seeked. Will a man who loves wearing PAJAMA & Sree Leather CHAPPALS qualify? Or will a man in Louis Phillipe shirt who smiles benignly when called KAPURUSH win in this category. Our research continues…
THE WELL-EDUCATED NERD
You gotta be good at studies boss. Period. It doesn’t matter a bit if you earn a bomb. If your alma mater is not one of IIT, IIM, JU, SHIBPUR, NIT or XAVIERS, PRESI you are not jamai material. You will repeatedly flounder after SENDING INTERESTS and receive this damned message in reply – YOUR PROFILE DID NOT MATCH HER EXPECTATIONS. This is probably where the nerds get their revenge. DEKH KEMON LAGE. Why didn’t our parents say this when we were in school – LEKHA PORA NA KORLE BOU PABE NA!
Yes sir. If you are a Bengali man get ready to work your ass off after marriage. Almost every SHOSHUR wants this – a man who will take care of our daughter like we have. By the way, we did not come across a single profile which claimed that the daughters were equally interested in caring for their man. Not sure if it’s just us or not, but mild sexism against men and a perception of the pater-familias seems prevalent.
THE VISA-WALA BIDESHI BENGALI
If, by some chance, you are currently in a Western, developed country please stop reading this and immediately create a profile on one of these apps. That visa you have right now is your ticket to Bengali glory. We came across a ton of profiles who hailed from India but are averse to marrying someone who is in India. Even if you are just updating Excel spreadsheets in some obscure US village, you sure are a winner sir. SAAT-KHUN-MAAF for you, here, come marry this beautiful, tall, slim, fair, convent educated girl who loves painting and singing Rabindra-sangeet!
This is the category seeking grooms earning, get ready, 25 LAKH -1 CRORE. Not sure why they bothered with the upper limit. Infinity would have been easier to handle. We couldn’t fathom why some SHOSHUR MOSHAI’s expect a dude, who earns close to a crore a year, to be sitting around in his room swiping through a matrimony app looking for his life partner. He is busy and hence is rich. And please, let the man drive his BMW X1 in peace.
THE NON-SMOKER, NON-DRINKER
Why Shoshur-moshai, why? Even though we Bongs almost always top the lists of smokers & drinkers in this country, when looking for a groom, most families want a pious jamai. Ironically, we are pretty sure some of the girls, whose fathers were looking for teetotalers, are not themselves averse to a tipple or a puff now & then. But hey, all you guys out there who abstain and are stuck with drunk losers, this is your time to shine. Go out there and show off your clear lungs and fresh livers for the perfect bride.
THE TRAVELER CUM PHOTOGRAPHER
Make sure that the pictures you put up on these sites show you on the edge of that blue lake in Ladakh or that cloud covered mountain in Dzongri. Most Bengali families, keeping with established cliches, have daughters who love traveling and photography. So if you don’t have a heavy DSLR and are a lazy sofa-surfer please DO NOT CONTACT THIS PROFILE.
TRADITIONAL YET MODERN, CULTURED YET LIBERAL RESPECTABLE FAMILY
Again, a grey area. We just could not understand the meaning of these paradoxes. So am I traditional if I recite the GAYATRI mantra every morning? Am I modern if I go out to Someplace Else that same night and get sloshed? Is your father cultured and liberal if he sits reading Shakti Chattopadhyay while sharing a smoke with you? And have you ever heard anyone having a NON-RESPECTABLE family? This is the point when you give up and go back to Facebook cat videos.
Though not always important (some profiles clearly stated that looks don’t matter, only your IIT passing certificate and salary slips do), your KARTIK THAKUR type looks are very desirable. But wonder why these handsome men are expected to be single and searching for an arranged marriage. Maybe, their parents will forcefully create a profile to get them to leave those BAJE MEYEs who are their girlfriends.
This, in a nutshell is all you got to be and do if you want to get hitched in present day Bengal. Our research continues though, trying to extract a detailed matrix of desired qualities for our men!
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